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I must confess.
I have been playing around, taking short cuts, 走精面, 耍手段去獲得我想要的一切. Avoid failure, difficulties, obstacles and hardship. Anything that’s easy, I go. Anything that’s hard, I give up or just walk away.
我好假, inauthentic, 好要面. I pretend in front of others, with holding conversation, lie, so that I look good. 對於對我好既人, 我唔會再花心思, 對我唔夠好的, 我才會用方法吸引人注意. 對於係我身邊既人我唔在意, 覺得一切理所當然. 對我好既人我對佢地唔好, 對我唔好既人我對佢好. so that 我可以爭取最多支持.
I just do what makes me look good. For anything that make me look bad, look small and embarrassed, I will not do, no matter what the rationale behind is. Now I realize this costs me a lot, especially in relationships, i am not true to myself nor to others.
im fake, n living in a fake world create by me. coz i dun want to face failure, uglyness, lose face etc in the true world. 我唔接受醜惡, 唔接受失敗, 唔接受冇面, 所以粉飾太平, 製造假象 n stay in it. i live in illusion over illusions. no wonder i choose to work in the “fake the most” industry doing the “fake the most” thing. n no wonder i survive. coz i’m good at that. pretending, acting, making the not good look good. n what sarcastic is i keep complaining how fake and arrogance this industry is. But actually the one who has been arrogance and fake is me.
Being inauthentic is my 生存之道.
I have been pretending and inauthentic too much, that I do not even know who I am and what I want. I lost me and the real world.
Now I wonder if I have ever live alive.
I feel so pathetic. Being so inauthentic to myself and to all. 絶對是於心有愧.
