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You have to fix your will, this is the most important and preliminary step. Your heart, your will, what you want, ask yourself, think about it! Others are just circumstances.
Don’t shake your will, even situation is bad, even there seems no hope, even you want to give up, even you have no confident, even other told you to do so. For there is a will, there is a way. Just keep on praying. For nothing is impossible with HIM. Mountain and sea, stars and milky way, it’s all nothing big to him, as he creates them all. He can make impossible always possible. Yes, you cannot, I know, but he can. How big can your problem be? For he is high up in the sky ruling, all your problems are as petite as dust.
In life, sometimes, you will lost your confident, but do not lost your faith in GOD.
Keep believing, he loves us all. Although he does not work for us, but he will always prepare the best for us and be there for us.
今天, 晴空萬里無雲, 是出遊的好時節. 本以為是日節目還是繼續搬家, 右腳腫腫的我一覺醒來收到的郤是噩耗. 媽媽一如既往的有點亂, 總之大意就是家裡預備了午飯, 但我現在要立即出去了, 因為他現在要用呼吸機吸氧氣, 其他阿姨都趕去了, 你, 打算……來不來? 我, 一如既往的有點呆: 嗯, 好, 我去. 心想: 主阿, 又是你安排, 難怪昨天我會弄傷腳, 然後靈修你又不斷和我說relationship and love, this is the top priority, 一切都為了今天要陪媽去經歷又一次的死別.
一邊換衣服, 一邊還在想剛才媽說的: 他們餓了他幾天了, 現在只給他氧氣, 不過他還在堅持著. 我想: 什麼? 人命是什麼? 他生命力那麼強, 為什麼你們……? 是誰決定生死? 神你不是說壓傷的蘆葦衪不折斷, 將殘的燈火衪不會吹滅? 我不明白. 不! 我其實是不接受, 所謂的善終, 人之將死原來是這樣.
走到街上, 陽光曬在我身上, 我覺得好諷刺. 一朶雲也沒有天空, 難道人生真的是這樣輕輕的來, 輕輕的去, 不帶走一片雲彩?
還是這家療養院. 還是三樓. 早陣子才來過探你, 以為你出院了就沒事, 想不到, 好像還不到個多月.
24號床邊圍了好多人, 大家微微點頭打過招呼就讓我們走到床邊, 媽先和他說: 叔, 我和阿芝來看你阿. 瘦弱的身軀, 緊閉的雙眼, 氧氣罩下只剩下兩顆牙齒的口張得好大, 拼命的一呼一吸, 堅持著生存, 生存……
媽叫我過去和叔公說兩句, 輪到我走到最前. 我看著這個掙扎著的生命, 無言, 眼淚開始流. 我沒法在這時候吐出一個字, 我想, 此時此刻, 他不能聽, 不能說, 我還可以說什麼. 我開始站在床邊祈禱. 內容只有一句: 上主求你垂憐. 這是昨天祢給我聽的歌. 收錄自一個好爸爸原聲大碟的一首詩歌: 上主求你垂憐. 全曲只有不斷重複著的兩句歌詞: 上主求你垂憐和基督求你垂憐. 當天早上我一聽到就跪下哭, 今天在這個垂死的人的床邊, 我心裡哼著同一首歌, 也在哭. 人生, 好無助, 我還可以向你求什麼?
他們說, 他真夠福氣, 有那麼多人來送他, 就是親子女也未必能夠. 大家和應著, 是呀, 爸爸(我公)和阿媽(我婆)走的時候我們都來不及送. 也是的. 97歲了. 他命很硬, 我婆婆公公都不在了, 他還在硬撐著, 代表著他們那個年代的人在存留. 說實在的, 他和我們一點血緣關係也沒有. 我們這一代叫他叔公, 他是我公的同鄉朋友. 就如我姨所說, 我公就像孟嘗君食客三千, 朋友有難都盡力接濟, 所以叔公就是其中一個. 他見証著我媽, 甚至到我這一代的成長. 大部份家族聚會總有他份兒.
我問媽: 聰呢? 媽說不知道他來不來. 面對著這個下一分鐘還不知道存不存在的人, 我不覺得還有拖延的奢侈. 我出去打了一通電話, 就這樣他趕來了. 他說: 幸好你告訴我有多嚴重, 免得我來晚了後悔. 我就知道這個和我一同長大的表弟, 無論我用什麼語氣和他說, 他總會明白我的用心, 即使有誤會, 我們之間也不會有隔夜仇.
叔公的手在動, 我們逐個走近去握他的手, 算是最後的安慰和支持. 最後, 大家陸陸續續續的到齊, 也陸陸續續和他道別. 他的手腳努力的想動起來, 回應我們最後的話別.
他的名字叫馮福, 是一位保險從業員, 也是一位民安隊員.
今早還在矇矓中，聽到電台播這首老歌：Nothing gonna change my love for you, 聽到的是God speaks. 歌詞將神對我們的愛表達得很好, 覺得這首歌簡直可以當聖詩聽, 如雅歌。歌詞可分神人對唱, 如下:
(人) If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know
They’ll take us where we want to go
Hold me now, touch me now
I don’t want to live without you
(神) Nothing’s gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I’ll never ask for more than your love
Nothing’s gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
(人) The world may change my whole life through
But nothing’s gonna change my love for you
(人) If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead a way for us
Like a guiding star
(神) I’ll be there for you if you should need me
You don’t have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I’ll help you see forever too
Hold me now, touch me now
I don’t want to live without you
(合) Nothing’s gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I’ll never ask for more than your love
Nothing’s gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing’s gonna change my love for you
